I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
