There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
