Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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