I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
