Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
