I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
