1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
