That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
