the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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