I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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