I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
