I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am never drinking with the goths again.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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