I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
