Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
