I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
