This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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