porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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