I think I died a long time ago.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
