Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
