having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
