Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
