I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
