i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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