Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
