Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
