all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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