my phone needs a breathalizer
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
