I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
