I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
