Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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