my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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