My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
