when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
this boner is exhausting
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
