my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
