Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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