Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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