This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I need a beard to bite.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
