I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
