Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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