I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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