i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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