Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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