I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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