please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
