Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
