The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
