i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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