So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
