you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
