i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
