it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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