i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
